The rise of self

It’s hard sometimes feeling like you don’t want to be here. Like you don’t go here, you didn’t ask for this, or maybe it was a mistake. Why do I always want to leave. Why does it feel like I didn’t choose this. Always spoken to like “never give up” but those inspiring stories just make me feel worse. Because I can’t get up, I can’t make my brain cogs turn or make my body move. I do feel like I’m failing. I do feel like I keep giving up, even though I haven’t. It’s hard to swallow, that I’ve come here on purpose, and it’s been hard learning to take responsibility. My instinct is to hide, shut off, leave, be manic; but everywhere you, go there you are. I’m here on a mission and learning my lessons juuuuust like everyone and everything else. But coming back from the dark is WORK. The bad feelings still linger, I still want to leave this place. But I have to keep remembering over and over again that my reality is under my control. Over and over again that the universe provides. I have to remember “who I am” and what my gifts are. I remember the network and how small I am and I start to feel better… it feels good remembering the truth. Giving the bad thoughts momentum is what I’m trying to stop doing, to catch them before the bottom of the hill where they’ll destroy me. Much of it isn’t real, it’s human nonsense created by humans feeling things about human made up social economic judging blah blah blah. So I’m here today with sadness and frustration and doubt, trying to write and paint and remember remember remember remember remember remember each moment. Cause I got things to do.

I’m still scared of sounding crazy and people judging my words but honestly that’s irrelevant. This is a world of my own. And perhaps somewhere at some point it’ll make sense to someone, which is a nice perk.