Love & death
You can’t have just some of love. You take all of it, or you limit yourself to a sliver of it.
And I think… love is more than we “think” it is. It goes beyond romance, or caring, or support. Beyond the veil, love is all there is. This includes death and parting, the feeling of “loss”, the heartbreak, depression and emptiness. We can’t have the love we love without the other side of the coin. There is no light without dark.
If you wish to experience love, you have to keep your heart open. When the hurt happens, keep your heart open. When you feel a hole in your heart, keep it open. It’s raw and vulnerable and doesn’t present in a cute way. Let that happen. Let the hurt expose and connect you to the greater beyond. Hold yourself in view of that emptiness and allow yourself to feel that as love, too. Because it is.
We can’t pick apart the pieces of love that we enjoy and keep them. Folks often get hurt and retract, maybe block themselves from further hurt by building walls and cautiously presenting the things they have to offer. Not allowing exposure or vulnerability because of fear. Folks don’t have to be stuck this way, in fact it means there’s plenty of opportunity to open up; many ways to practice.
This week I lost my buddy. His name is Kakashi and he was my cat of nine years. I got him and his brother Ushi as babies, right after I lost my mother and my childhood cat about two weeks apart. Kashi and Ushi have been with me through everything, beginning with that long and enormous period of grief. Those first few years with them was really hard and I truly don’t know who I’d be without them. Kashi is the emotionally intelligent one and was my comfort for so long. HE was the one who helped me keep my heart open in those times. But I could never have had his beautiful soul touch my life without his death being a part of the story.
Now, without him, my heart has a hole in it. If you peered into the hole, you’d see a deep underwater trench. When I allow that hole to flow and be open, it’s such a sad and vulnerable position and I absolutely tremble and weep. But I keep doing it because when the hole heals I don’t want there to be any hurt stuck in there. I want to let it out. I want to keep loving. I love feeling emotions. I love love. I love Kashi. Kashi was love incarnate and why would I EVER let that turn sour? It took years and years to get there with my mother, to stop feeling the anger and guilt and pity and sadness and to celebrate her and understand this side of love. I don’t want to say it feels easier now, but the past has shown me the potential.
My angel; the sweetest, purest soul I have ever witnessed. He helped save my life. I will love him forever.
Just as a sidenote: in these transmissions, I don’t intend to preach. Often when I say “you”, I am talking to myself. I’m basically always talking to myself here. I feel no need to tell others what to do or believe, this is just a place to voice my own beliefs. Please take what you like from these pages and leave the rest behind.
